They tried to make me go to grad school, I said no, no, no

At one point in my life, I angonized about the prospect of going back to school. Everyone tried to make me go to grad school, but I said no, no, no. (My little tribute to Amy Winehouse, not becausse I listen to her music, but because I found her lyrics quite fitting, grad school being a little like rehab and all.) My professors badgered me about pursuing my studies, saying I was talented and could contribute something to the academic world. I said no. It wasn’t rocket science; I was not made for grad school. All the compliments and flatteries were but that. They never held any meaning. My professors could sing my praises as much as they wanted, but the truth remained: I had no desire to return to the elitist world of theory and stuffy academics. And no matter how much I tried to convince myself that academia was for me, I knew it wasn’t. I applied anyway.

Now, as the admissions responses come flooding in, I realize it’s not me saying no, no, no, it’s them. Rejection after rejection. It really comes as no shock to me. It’s a mutual rejection, really. I didn’t want to play their game. I didn’t want to take the GRE 3 times (or prepare for the test, for that matter). I didn’t want to write a personal statement about Foucault, Derrida or whatever other theorist names I could drop. I am passionate about literature, but I am not passionate about the study of literature. Academia is looking for people whose passion for literature can be converted into scholarship. My passion is just passion at its purest, passion that has no place in academia. Bottom line: I am not fit for academia.
Am I disappointed? Not really. In fact, just one day before I received my first rejection letter, I had stated quite confidently to my parents that I really had no desire to go back to school. I hated feeling inferior and nervous in class. I hated trying to act like an intellectual. School was painful for me: the teachers, the students, the jargon… I hated sitting in class trying to be invisible, trying to avoid the eyes of the professor lest he call on me. It was hardly enjoyable.

I adamantly refused to go to grad school. No, no, no! It wasn’t for me. My professors would sigh and shake their heads. “That’s really too bad.” But they couldn’t have gotten me accepted into grad school any more than I could have gotten myself accepted. The rejections are the proof I needed. It’s liberating, really. Academia is not for me.

I am not disappointed. I do admit, however, that the self-esteem boost that comes with acceptance would have been nice. I didn’t want to go to grad school and I still don’t. I applied to see if I could get in. I applied in hopes of getting accpeted so that for once, I could feel good about myself.

We regret to tell you that you have not been recommended for admission…

Notes from the job search front

So after over 5 months of resumes, cover letters, interviews and temp agencies, I finally have a job (and no, unfortunately, it’s not the job in Paris). I just finished my first week on the job. I am tired, sleep-deprived, and overwhelmed by all the new things to learn, but man, does it feel good to get off my ass and do something productive. I am officially off the job market!

The job is actually better than anything I could have asked for (except for the fact that it isn’t in Paris…)  It is a job I found myself (from craig’s list) and it’s actually related to my field (as much as it could be).  The work seems interesting and the best part is that it is not a customer service job.  Granted, I am currently on a 3-month contract, but they have told me that they do not see this position going anywhere after 3 months, so it looks like it could lead to a permanent position with a lot of room for growth. If I do get a full time position, I will have 18 days vacation in my first year. After my first year, this will be increased to 20 days. This is almost unheard-of in the US.  It is quite exciting.  The pay is decent (more than I have ever earned in my life) and the people are nice.  The group in the US is still small so there is no heirachy yet, which is quite refreshing after my last corporate job.

So, for now (i.e. the next 3 months), I am a working girl.  It is a nice change.

2008

10 days into the new year and I am tempted to come up with a list of resolutions.  Though I am usually not one to list unacheivable goals for the next 365 days of my life (366 – 10, since this is a leap year and it’s already the 10th day of 2008), I thought it might be interesting to publish my resolutions on my blog.  Next year, 10 days into the year 2009, I will be able to mock my 2008 resolutions.  This will be a short list of doable goals, nothing too extravagent or unacheivable (though chances are, I will not achieve the easy goals I will list anyways).   So here goes.  Welcome 2008!

1.  Make a list of New Year’s resolutions (At the rate I am going, I should be able to acheive this goal in the next 10 minutes!  Woot!  I am well on my way).

2.  Find a job.  I am lining up the interviews!  One more interview this week and one, two or three next week (still unsure). This is not too much to ask for, is it?

3. Write at least 2 blog entries a week (hopefully on subjects that stretch beyond my daily existence).

4. And, hmmm, this is harder than I thought.

That’s enough.  I am sick of resolutions.  I resolve to reduce my list of resolutions to 2 for 2009.   Happy 2008! This should be a good year.  Eight, after all, is a lucky number for the Chinese.  And if you turn 8 on its side, you have infinity .  So, this will be the year of infinite possibilities (or maybe just 8).

Cheers.

Job vs. career

Looking for a job? Go to the nearest McDonalds, Target or even Sears and ask for a application. Even the local Starbucks is hiring baristas. They will hire almost anyone. Hell, you don’t even need a college degree to find a job – just a clean drug test.

Looking for a career? Oh, where to start? The different industries are countless! You could go into real estate, telecommunications, banking, sales, consulting, pr, marketing, advertising, management, etc., etc. The possibilities are endless. Then why is it so hard to find a career?

For some reason, a career, by definition, is supposed to be more than just a job; it’s supposed to be a calling, one’s lifework. You can draw any old job out of a jar, but picking a career requires thought and purpose. Career choice can affect the rest of your life. After all, this will be what you will be doing until retirement. For the next 40 odd years, you will very much be defined by your profession. You will mention your work at least once during the first 3 sentences of any conversation. And after those 3 sentences, you will be categorized. You will be considered ambitious, hard-working and driven (if you have a career) or lost, lazy, and reckless (if you just work a job.) It’s unfair, but yet, it’s the truth.

Many career conselors have long drawn-out (not to mention expensive) methods of finding a career. They give you aptitude tests, personality tests, IQ tests in hopes of finding the perfect fit. And yet, every suggestion seems to be wrong, insulting. How could they possibly suggest that? Do I look like a [fill in job title]? We rely so much on what other people, tests, assessments tell us and in the end, we lose track of what we really want. Our priorities get all jumbled up; we lose ourselves. Because in the end, maybe we already know exactly what it is we want to do, but unfortunately, life gets in the way.

So what is important when looking for a career? Happiness. Yes, that seems like the obvious answer. But, for me, I am plagued by so many other questions. Will my family be happy with my choice? Will my family be proud of me? What are my chances of sucess? Where will I have to live? Will I make enough money to survive? In taking this career route, am I making an choice that contradicts my ethical beliefs? Can I go to a party and proudly talk about my job? Who will I be hurting? What will I give up? Will I find stability in this career? What is the market like in this field? There are almost as many questions as there are career possibilities. And after answering all these questions, you are left with a passionless career that seems to please everyone but yourself. The one career you once wanted to pursue has already been thrown out several times. And the career you do choose becomes just another job.

I am trying something new this year (though I will most likely not suceed). I am trying to ignore what everyone else tells me I should do. I am trying to rely on my own passion and trust my talents (or lack thereof). The point being I don’t want to forget the thing I know I want to do. I don’t want to fall victim to a passionless life where I wake up each morning only wishing to stay in bed for the rest of my life. I want more than a job; I want a career.

Transcontinental Relationships

Do transcontinental relationships ever work out? I wish I could say yes. I am in a transcontinental relationship with a man who lives on the other side of the world from me. We have been apart for 4 months, 4 excrutiating months of looking for loopholes in the citizenship/visa policies. But as time passes, finding a way to be together becomes more and more difficult. It is no longer a hope but a burden and a constraint. My thoughts oscillate between starting a life in my country and relocation to be with my boyfriend. I can’t make a decision. I am idle.

I have spent the last 4 months looking for work. It has not been easy. I do apply for jobs but the problem is that my heart is not here in the American job market but back in France where I was happy (possibly for the first time in my life). For now, everything seems so temporary. I am afraid to settle. If I find a job in the US, I can’t go back to Paris. If I find a job in Paris, I might be hurting my chances for a real job in the US. The is no permanence in either decision. When is life going to start? There has to be a point where one tires of wandering from place to place looking for some stability.

I really don’t even know which path to take anymore. I am so busy trying to please the world that I no longer know what I want. I am losing my roots. I am losing track of myself. I know I can’t sacrifice my life for a relationship that can turn sour. I know I can’t compromise my future. But yet, I am incapable of letting go of the man I love. I am incapable of letting go of my dream. There is too much uncertainty in either decision. There is no way to move forward without regret.

I am reminded of one verse of KT Tunstall’s song “Other Side of the World” which goes something like:

“Can you help me?

Can you let me go?

And can you still love me when you can’t see me anymore?”

I wonder if he loves me enough to let me go. I wonder if he’s willing to save me the future heartbreak and an empty future. I wonder if he will realize that maybe this is best for both of us. I wonder if I am willing to do the same.