Transcontinental Relationships

Do transcontinental relationships ever work out? I wish I could say yes. I am in a transcontinental relationship with a man who lives on the other side of the world from me. We have been apart for 4 months, 4 excrutiating months of looking for loopholes in the citizenship/visa policies. But as time passes, finding a way to be together becomes more and more difficult. It is no longer a hope but a burden and a constraint. My thoughts oscillate between starting a life in my country and relocation to be with my boyfriend. I can’t make a decision. I am idle.

I have spent the last 4 months looking for work. It has not been easy. I do apply for jobs but the problem is that my heart is not here in the American job market but back in France where I was happy (possibly for the first time in my life). For now, everything seems so temporary. I am afraid to settle. If I find a job in the US, I can’t go back to Paris. If I find a job in Paris, I might be hurting my chances for a real job in the US. The is no permanence in either decision. When is life going to start? There has to be a point where one tires of wandering from place to place looking for some stability.

I really don’t even know which path to take anymore. I am so busy trying to please the world that I no longer know what I want. I am losing my roots. I am losing track of myself. I know I can’t sacrifice my life for a relationship that can turn sour. I know I can’t compromise my future. But yet, I am incapable of letting go of the man I love. I am incapable of letting go of my dream. There is too much uncertainty in either decision. There is no way to move forward without regret.

I am reminded of one verse of KT Tunstall’s song “Other Side of the World” which goes something like:

“Can you help me?

Can you let me go?

And can you still love me when you can’t see me anymore?”

I wonder if he loves me enough to let me go. I wonder if he’s willing to save me the future heartbreak and an empty future. I wonder if he will realize that maybe this is best for both of us. I wonder if I am willing to do the same.